Poor old Bono – he can end poverty, but he can’t jig about in front of some muddy idiots for an hour.
It’s Bono’s back. It’s not very well. Everyone had been really excited about seeing U2’s headlining set at Glastonbury – because if you’re going to spend a weekend developing trench foot surrounded by thousands of hat-wearing bastards and godawful Legal High salesmen in a massive field in the middle of nowhere in a non-stop apocalyptic rainstorm, you may as well go all out and make sure that you have a really crap time – but now Bono has hurt his back and it’s never going to happen.
Incidentally, Bono is said to be heartbroken about cancelling Glastonbury. So that’s his back and his heart buggered up. Let’s go for legs next, please. Legs or nose. Either’s fine.
It’s not really a surprise that Bono has hurt his back – he’s spent so many years running around onstage and shouting and shadowboxing to himself to compensate for the fact that he’s only about four inches tall that it was bound to give out at some point. But for it to happen right before U2’s highly-anticipated Glastonbury headline set is just bad luck.
But that’s just how it goes sometimes – after injuring himself during a tour rehearsal, Bono has undergone spinal surgery and been told to rest up for two months. The news is bound to disappoint fans who only bought Glastonbury tickets in order to see U2. That’s assuming that those people still have the mental ability to feel disappointment – the fact that they wanted to see U2 perform live despite their rubbish last album would suggest otherwise.
But anyway, they won’t be as disappointed as Bono, who told The Sun:
“I’m heartbroken. We wanted to do something special. We even wrote a new song for the festival.”
It’s very sad news – and a timely reminder that even gods can be mortal sometimes. Sorry, that was a typo – we meant that it was a timely reminder that even men with crippling god complexes can be mortal sometimes. Yes, that’s better.
But now speculation is rife over who will now perform U2’s headling Glastonbury set – after all, replacing one of the biggest bands in the world will be almost impossible. So far it’s been claimed that Michael Eavis could persuade Led Zeppelin to reform, while The Rolling Stones are also a possibility because – thanks to the Exile On Main Street reissue – they’re also more relevant than they’ve been in decades. So with that in mind, it seems fairly obvious that U2’s replacement will actually be Jamie Cullum. Or N-Dubz. Mark our words.